The Psychology of Grooming Gangs

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The below is a speech I had planned to deliver at a Conference on Grooming Gangs in Manchester. Unfortunately, the Conference was cancelled following security concerns in the aftermath of the recent attack on a Manchester synagogue.

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Good morning everyone.

In truth, I wish I wasn’t here speaking today. In fact, I wish this entire event was not taking place.

Why? Because the atrocity of grooming gangs should never have happened.

But unfortunately, as many of you know only too well, some terrible things were allowed to take place (and continue to take place) and now we must come together, to heal, and to ensure that this never happens again.

A lot of airtime is given to the legal and political elements of what has occurred in the UK. However, not enough time, in my opinion, is devoted to the psychology of it all. Both in terms of how we let this happen in the first place, and what support survivors need to be able to move forward with their lives as best as they possibly can.

People often use terms like ‘crazy’ or ‘insane’ to describe the grooming gangs scandal. And they are on to something with that. Because only a warped society could enable such horrors to take place.

On that basis, I’m quite content to collectively diagnose British society with a number of what we call, cognitive distortions.

Firstly, rationalisation – the act of trying to justify or excuse unacceptable behaviour. We can witness this in the attitudes that are, unfortunately, prevalent within pockets of Pakistani culture (keep in mind that men of Pakistani-origin are up to four times more likely to be reported for child sex grooming offences than the general population in England and Wales). Customs and beliefs that see females who have hit puberty as being sexually mature women. A religious sexism built on twisted notions of ‘honour’, in which women are viewed as subservient to men (and sometimes even the property of men). There are pockets of Pakistan in which sexual slavery is normalised, again justified because of religious interpretation. What you can find is that, perversely, women who are considered to have transgressed morality or behaved ‘dishonourably’ (based on, for example, not covering up in public) become fair game for forms of religious retribution. The fact that former Prime Minister of Pakistan, Imran Khan, appeared to blame the way women dress and their lifestyle choices for the rise in rape cases across that country, is telling.

Secondly, introjection – this is where people can go along with lunacy in order to appease others and not draw negative attention to themselves. We have witnessed this amongst the mainstream British media. When Emily Maitlis was interviewing MP, Rupert Lowe, back in May, she made an accusation that the only reason someone would focus their time and attention on tackling Pakistani grooming gangs is because they are ‘racist’. This type of virtue signalling is what has allowed atrocities like grooming gangs to operate over a long period of time.

Given that people fear being accused of ‘racism’ and being publicly shamed, it is little surprise that we are witnessing, in this country, police officers too afraid to stop-and-search certain ethnic groups for fear of being labelled. We saw the same phenomenon with the Manchester Arena bombing and the security staff too afraid to engage with the perpetrator, in case they were accused of being ‘xenophobic’. And we have, sadly, observed the exact same thing, as regards the authorities (whether the police or social services) who should have stopped the criminality of grooming gangs much, much sooner. I can only hope that justice is served through the various public inquiries underway.

Thirdly, splitting – this is the creation of a world of oppressor versus oppressed. We live in a world of victim hierarchies, which puts people into boxes, often having no basis in reality, and, ironically, often ends up knocking down the very people who need the greatest support.

We know as a fact that, in many cases, the Pakistani grooming gangs in the UK targeted white, non-Muslim girls, because they are considered lower in the ‘honour’ scale’. Equally, in the eyes of the establishment, who have previously told us they wanted to ‘rub the right’s nose in diversity’, we have a perverse situation in which many in positions of power would automatic classify white British girls as inherently more ‘privileged’ than immigrant men.

Fourthly, perversion – As many of you will know, I have spent years fighting back against the ‘queering’ of society because of the gender ideology that has infected British culture. LGBT+ has attempted to normalise depravity. To give just one example I have come across, in a BBC documentary about the sexual atrocities committed by Bill Cosby, they interviewed a ‘queer, non-binary sex therapist’ who told viewers that she looks forward to creating: “a sex positive world where someone is able to pay conscious women to come and be drugged for a fetish for having sex with unconscious people”. This is normalising rape.

Again, we have witnessed the same thing as regards grooming gangs. For example, the ‘white woman fantasy’ prevalent across parts of Pakistan. This is the fetishisation of white, European women often seen in pop culture. This goes hand in hand with a belief amongst some in Pakistan that white, European women are ‘easy’ and therefore ‘fair game’.

That’s enough about the perpetrators and facilitators. Unfortunately, the public conversation involves a disproportionate amount of time speaking about those who have committed these heinous acts and not enough time talking about the impact on survivors.

And the impact can be, unsurprisingly, significant.

Memory: During traumatic events, such as sexual abuse, the hippocampus is suppressed, which affects memory. Many survivors report amnesia of the specific events but experience ongoing sensory flashbacks. This can prevent the events from being processed and the survivor reaching a place of closure.

Addiction: The sad truth is that most hardcore substance users come from a background of abuse, particularly sexual abuse. That is why, when looking at addiction, the question posed should not be ‘why the addiction?’ but rather ‘why the pain?’

Anxiety: Fear is often short-lived and relates to a specific moment in time. After the grooming and abuse has ended, the fear can disappear quickly, but what is often left behind is anxiety. And this anxiety is far more destructive because it sits there, under the surface, constantly bubbling away. Many survivors report that such anxiety hounds them all day and even torments their dreams.

Shame: This is incredibly common amongst survivors of sexual abuse, particularly given that a prevalent narrative in society is, sickeningly, what female victims did to ‘deserve’ what happened to them. From a psychological perspective, this, of course is shaming nonsense. The suggestion, for example, that a woman who wears revealing clothing is in some way responsible for the actions of a man who takes the decision to abuse or rape her, removes all agency from abusive men. However, these narratives seep in and so we find many survivors sinking into pits of shame – which continue to re-traumatise them.

Attachment: Many survivors find, after being used and abused in this way, that their trust in relationships, sexual or otherwise, is shattered. This can lead to insecure attachment, having a detrimental impact on how they come to relationships in the future. This can pivot between anxious (in which fear of abandonment causes a latching on and seeking of constant validation/re-assurance) or avoidant (in which survivors subconsciously do not allow themselves to get too close to others, for fear of being hurt again). This can wreak havoc in terms of trying to find future stable and secure relationships.

Unfortunately, the list of harms goes on, and the long-lasting impact of sexual trauma undoubtedly includes underlying feelings of emptiness and even hopelessness.

So harmful, both physically and emotionally, is grooming and sexual abuse, that it must be recognised in our justice system, both in terms of resources put in to stopping perpetrators and then ensuring that the punishment handed down by our judicial system is truly proportionate to the atrocious crimes they have committed. I would say that the fact that you can receive a longer prison sentence in this country for posting an ill-advised tweet, than for sexual assault, is deeply troubling.

Finally, I wish to talk briefly about some things to consider, from a psychological perspective, that can aid in working towards healing from trauma. I will call these the 5 A’s:

Anger: Suppression of emotions never ends well. Woody Allen famously joked: “I never get angry. I grow a tumour instead”. In fact, there are question marks regarding extreme suppression of anger and a link with, for example, breast cancer diagnoses. So often, people repress their anger because of a fear about ‘losing it’. But ‘losing it’ is far more likely if you repress – it’s like a boiling pot of water – if you keep a lid on it, eventually it bubbles over. Survivors – you have been wronged – you deserve to be angry. So can you utilise healthy anger as a form of empowerment, and paradoxically, release and calming?

Attachment: Connection with others is crucial in terms of tackling shame and trust issues that have developed. The paradox is that being dependent on others actually makes us more independent – it’s a secure base from which to explore the world. There’s an old saying that if you fill the desert with a million pounds worth of artificial flowers, it still doesn’t bloom. Can you allow yourself to fill your life with meaningful and nourishing relationships?

Acceptance: Can you engage in a form of self-compassion, which allows you to recognise the hurt you have experienced in the past, but which gives yourself permission to prevent it from controlling your future. You will, of course, never forget about the trauma you have experienced. But if you can accept it, it will free you.

Assertion: They say that anxiety is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you very far. So often, after trauma, the bodies survival mechanism kicks in – leading to fight, flight or freeze. Can you allow yourself to be more assertive with your wants and needs in life, in order to regain that sense of autonomy?

Awakeneness: So many of us are held captive by our own mortality. Fears of harm or even death hold people back from taking risks and doing what they truly want in life. This is known as ‘refusing the loan of life in order to avoid the debt of death’. Unfortunately, it often takes an ‘awakening experience’ to jolt people out of this, and sometimes this is a traumatic or near-death experience. Survivors - you have been to hell and back again. Can you allow the fact that you faced the ultimate threat and survived it to be a constant reminder to you of your inner strength, and free you from the irrational fears that plague so many of us?

Finally, I want to say this. So often these days, mental ill-health or psychological issues are used as an excuse or as justification for immorality and even serious criminality. I have, for example, read accounts of rapists who have sought to explain away their actions on the basis of a sex addiction or some mental health diagnosis. I have seen similar as regards cultural or religious upbringing. ‘I only acted that way because of how I was raised’, ‘I only acted that way because that’s how things are when I’m at home,’ ‘I only acted that way because that’s what my religion says’.

Enough. We must start to hold human beings accountable for their actions. No ifs, no buts.

To those present here today who have suffered and survived – please know that I, and my organisation Just Therapy, are here to support you. You are not alone.